Two hikers were making their way through a remote wilderness area in New York, when one of the hikers spotted something remarkable. Nestled in the dark hollow of a pile of boulders was something green and glowing. On closer inspection, the hiker realized that he was looking at a moss unlike any he’d ever seen. This moss created its own light; it was bioluminescent.
The hikers realized they’d found something very special, and collected some of the moss. The day after their adventure, they phoned botanists at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. Cornell researchers initially assumed the call a hoax. But the hikers explained that they also had video to send with the samples.
Researchers remained skeptical until the samples and video arrived. Now botanists across the country are stunned by the discovery of a new species of glowing moss. It’s the first time in over 80 years that a new species of moss has been identified in the U.S. But never before in the world has a species of bioluminescent moss been discovered. The proposed name for this new moss is Leucobryum bioluminata.
Laboratory analysis of this unique moss has identified several new chemical compounds. Researchers believe that some of these compounds may be useful in treating a variety of mental and physical conditions, such as excessive pubic hair, guttural snoring, testicular shriveling, flat rump syndrome, atonal flatulence, close-set eyes, wide-set eyes, bowleggedness, inability to listen while others are talking, inflated ego, male pattern stubbornness, female addiction to drama, and death.
The hikers that discovered the moss hope to cash in on proposed pharmaceutical patents. If the new chemical compounds become drugs, the hikers already know how they’ll use the profits. It’s been a long-held dream of these adventurers to build McDonald’s restaurants near the summits of the world’s loftiest mountains. One of the intrepid hikers is quoted as saying, “Everyone loves McDonald’s. And having these fast food outlets on mountain tops would serve the needs of hungry hikers. Like the old McDonald’s ad says: ‘You deserve a break today.’ I want to give hikers that break, and make some money off of it by selling Big Macs and fries. Like nature, it’s perfect.”